GM: Matthew Klein
Players: Karen Twelves, Dale Horstman, and Sean Nittner
System: Dogs in the Vineyard (rethemed to Kitchen Nightmares)
[From the audio notes of Joel Geller, DOGS chef]
This was some fucked up shit.
We knew that after the Olive’s Garden episode the Dardin Group was upset, but that happens. JBA holding wasn’t happy with us either, but usually the DOGS legal team handles all of that, and we’re allowed to focus on what we do best, help struggling kitchens thrive. Not this time.
Flying on a private Dardin Group jet to Denver airport (by the way, if you’ve never seen Blucifer, the Nightmare horse outside of DEN, it’s a horror show of on it’s own…did you know it killed it’s creator)
Anywho, on the private flight, we were accompanied by Andé Deol, the Darden representative that was essentially just there to make sure we didn’t upset the folks at Windy Falls, and perhaps to report on us to the Dardin group execs.
We had Keith with us but the official video for this episode was held by Dardin, so who knows if it even air. We tried to piece together what we knew, which wasn’t much.
Alice Henney, the CEO and founder of Windy Falls wanted a better brunch menu than her son Quentin could provide. That sounds simple enough until you look through the brochures for Windy Falls. It’s the kind of ultra rich resort experience that you have to be hand selected to even try to attend. Everything about it screamed cult for the ultra-rich, some real Scientology bullshit. We help diners clean up their menu, we help new chefs earn their first star. How were we going to help a place that had everything money could buy (and probably more)?
Her daughter Mitzy Henny has been our contact so far. She had that kind of Hollywood Nice (TM) demeanor that you know is fake deep down but has layers upon layers of kindness that are hard to see through.
Quentin Henney, the head Chef was someone I met years ago, drinking at a bar outside the New York Restaurant Show. I didn’t even know his name at the time, but when we were sent photos of all our major contacts, I recognized him. He seemed like a man desperate to find his own way in life.
The rest of the profiles were a mystery to us. Jen Maddison, Alice’s assistant, Bret Lloyd the chief of guest services, and the ubiquitous Staff that all seemed to have the same placid smiles.
Our arrival was just as ostentatious as we expected from the brochure. A helicopter picked us up form DEN and took us directly to Windy Falls, a sequestered resort in the Rocky Mountains. The giant compound, guest houses, and incredible garden were all visible from the air, but the pilot gratuitously circled the the campus a few times so we could take it all in. Hot springs, the lake, the fields, the gardens. All of it tended to by 75 dedicated staff members who seemed to all be named Chris.
Welcome
We were greeted by Mitzy Henney who was effusive in her appreciation of our arrival, Jen Maddison who seemed to be taking everything in but not saying anything, and Bret Lloyd who looked like he’d as soon skin you alive and serve you as hors d’oeuvres than drink a beer with you, but all of that was locked behind a plastic smile.
In the garden was the wildest thing. Two giant trees, citrus and stone fruit that had branches grafted from a huge variety of other fruits. On the citrus I saw Meyer lemon, Bahia orange, pomelo, kumquat, finger limes, miyagawa, and yuzu. The stone fruit tree was just as diverse and colorful. It was like a skittles commercial that came alive.
After the formalities were complete, they led us up to our guest rooms, in the Rose suites. Everything was gently rose flavored or scented, there was a cellist playing in the courtyard, and even the paper towels in the bathrooms were thick and monogramed. Everything was the highest caliber you could imagine. Again I wondered, what do they need us for?
In my room was a plate of cold cuts…. the pastrami shipped in directly from Sarge’s Deli on 3rd avenue, the exact place I go to get my meats. Similarly Mara and Tess, both had bespoke platters with their favorite items. The level of attention would be commendable…if it wasn’t fucking creepy.
The Restaurant
Eventually the Chris’s took us down to the restaurant. On the way they shared that they also liked to go on runs in the morning and would be happy to join me for a jog. Convenient. They all seemed to love this place so much, and more they once said “it’s not paradise…but it’s close” with the exact same inflection and pause.
The Restaurant, though underground was filled with natural light from giant skylights, blue light brought in from screens, and the soft white glow coming from the floors. Hanging in the air were gossamer fabrics that somehow seemed to muffle sounds despite their sheer construction.
Soon a staff member, again named Chris, brought out a smorgasbord of meals we’ve made before on the show. All of them “elevated” by using the most expensive ingredients you could ever find. They were fancier for sure, but lost a lot of the charm and authenticity along the way. Pan Piña bakery bread with Wagyu A-5 brisket is amazing, but it’s not a Friedburger.
Quentin came out soon after, the only person here not dressed impeccably. He had jeans and crocs and a t-shirt and seemed to be… well normal. He hoped we liked the renditions of our meals that he had done, but like ourselves, was curious as to what we were doing here. Eventually we told him that his mom Alice had brought us out here to help with the Sunday brunch. Immediately his body language went from open and friendly to closed off and defensive. He didn’t blame us, but he wasn’t happy about it. He told us that he made every meal bespoke. Whatever someone asked for, if they could make it, they would. As Tess pointed out, that probably meant a lot of crab eggs benedict. We tried to find out more, but shortly after, Alice Henney arrived, and all attention was on her.
Alice walked in from the kitchen laughing at some joke the staff made about flying pigeons and then greeted us warmly. Like her daughter, Alice is a master of showing nothing but charm and grace. She held each of our hands as though we were dear friends and thanked us so much for coming out. She told us that that Windy Falls is not paradise…but it’s close. That’s when we spotted it… the central core of the hive mind. The queen bee!
Eventually, and mindful of insulting her son, she told us the issue with the brunch was that it was just exceptional. People would says it was wonderful or delicious or incredible, but that’s all. She wanted something more. I think she wants people to praise Jesus, convert, and hand over the deed to their homes because the brunch is so good. Initially I said that facetiously, but now, I think I might be closer to the truth than I thought. In “the good old days” people just got more out of the experience. But now, it was merely a 5-star rating.
I think there’s something to investigate here. The resort used to be much smaller, the kind of personal attention you can pay to 20-30 people is much less than you can for 127 guests (the current number, including ourselves). Even with a staff of 75, there is only one Alice, only one Quentin. The way people feel really special is getting that individual attention. The other thing Tess pointed out is that “whatever you want” is too overwhelming an offer. People don’t know what they want. This place either needs a menu, or to employ some of their super creepy surveillance techniques to find out what people really want before they arrive and surprise them with it. Lastly, the services themselves…what is this all about? The talk very vaguely about spirituality. I know all kinds of rituals and practices, most of them are about building community and connection with god, not about brunch.
Digging Deeper
Quentin returned to the kitchen to get started on work and Alice left us to plan for how we’d make things “that much more special”.
Mara and Tess stayed in the restaurant to grill Andé about what was actually going on here. Besides feeling vaguely uncomfortable around this amount of wealth and the fact that everyone here was white, he didn’t have much to say. He was here to babysit us and wasn’t told much more. Tess and Mara schemed about how to deliver the perfect brunch.
I followed Quentin in the kitchen and asked him to be real with me. Why was he here, under his mothers thumb, when he clearly didn’t fit in and didn’t want to be here. He could do anything. Quentin vividly described a potential future where opportunities seem wide open at first but slowly, as little things go wrong here and their, his options dwindle until he has no place to go but back here. “Quentin… if that’s what’s happened to you in the past, you’re mom (or someone else) is sabotaging you!”
Workout Bros
Mara and I headed to the gym to find Bret. He was just about to do some Pilates but that really isn’t my speed, so I asked him to spot me while I lifted. Of course in the gym they had work out shorts, sneakers, socks, jerseys, and sweatbands in rose colors that all fit us perfectly. I suited up. Rose looks good on me.
While lifting, Bret was a monster. He kept correcting my form, and the worst part was that he was right! He also claimed everything they knew about the guests was natural intuition, but finally, when we told him that if brunch was going to be as good as Alice wanted it, we’d need his intel, he relented that there is actually a 6-week interview and onboarding process where they get to know everything about their guests. He showed us a few of their not-dossiers (definitely dossiers) and we got the personal statements of the guests. The good news is that there’s definitely something to glean there from that would help brunch. The bad news was the rest of what we saw. Everyone had to make statements about what they expected out of Windy Falls and what they valued, which seemed to be being rich, white, and pure. <shudder>
Secret Admirer
Meanwhile, Tess knew that someone on the staff here was a big fan of her work back when she went by TK. The comments came from an IP address on this compound! She opened up her old accounts and made a post about how beautiful it was here and that she was going to be at the meditation center…alone… from 2-3PM. Hoping that she would flush out her admirer.
While she waited Tess also tried to get Andé on her side. It was a challenge to win him over and Tess had to tell him “yes, we’re going to go fuck these people’s shit up” but eventually she won him over. Whatever the hell sneaky shit they have planned, I don’t think what they find will be good.
[/End of Joel’s account]
Scary Shit
At the end of the game we all stared at Matthew with wide eyes. What the hell is this place? A eugenics cult? Just a vanilla rich person cult? Something worse? Matthew just smiled and laughed. We’ll see how deep the rabbit hole goes net time. I encouraged him to read up on the Demonic Influence rules as I think they may be applicable!
Collective World Building
Despite the horror show that Matthew had planned for us, we did a lot of the world building together including:
- Drawing a map of Misty Falls and adding details as we went
- Defying traits for the “townspeople”
- Adding to a list of what the townspeople want from us…specifically.
Here’s what what we came up with togehter.
A Matthew Klein game featuring a Karan Soni character? Be still my heart!